What This Means
Saturday, the 26th of September 2026. One of the lines that I've been reflecting on comes from the song Off the Record.
It's currently unofficially released, and it's one of the songs that will feature on the mixtape, the free phases of easy.
And the line goes something along the lines of like, um, I was 4 years old when I learned what death was and that God didn't love me. You know, specifically focussing on the lion or the part that says, God didn't love me.
You know, I remember when I uh, uh, I remember when I was writing this and I was in the process of like, you know, writing it down or I was feeling my way for the instrumental when I was recording it.
And I don't know, man, I've paused. I reflected over that part a bunch of times because I never really knew what I meant. I just knew that I felt it, you know?
And reflecting over it today. Uh, I think that uh, that reflection is saturated to the following point. When I say God didn't love me.
What I mean is, there is a version of me that God cannot accept. And it's that version of me that I'm very much attached to because it's the version of me that I've used all this while to survive.
Uh, the ego in itself, maybe, who I am, because who I am, what I want, and my desires.
They all fall short, like in the in the eyes of God. However, you know, God may be imagined or interpreted. My desires are far too finite.
The things that I want, even though at some point they may seem benevolent. They, they, they don't accept it. They're not embraced, they're not adored by God.
Right? And I suppose what it did is it, um, I wouldn't say it taught me a lesson. I suppose it gave me a perspective that allowed me to accept and to understand that, um, who I am.
I must 1st learn to love myself. And I must learn to accept who I am, irrespective of what anybody else may think and feel of me.
irrespective of, you know, even, even at the, even at the mercy, even, even at the chance of being rejected by God himself or God itself. And uh, for the record, um, the song off the record was written and recorded in 2022.
When I was going through like, you know, this phase and this period of my life and, you know, this acute phase and this period in my life when I just genuinely didn't want to be here, like, uh, uh, suicide was really, it, it was really at the forefront of my mind.
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