The Deeper Reason

Thursday the 28th of August 2025 The reason why this upsets me The reason why I'm upset by the fact that at the moment things are quite difficult in a sense I'm not able to again contribute the amount of time the amount of focus The amount of strength and the amount of

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energy into the thing I love In essence it all goes a little bit deeper than I just want to be able to do the thing that I love to do It's a little bit deeper than I just want to be selfish It's a little bit wider and it's a little bit thicker than I just want to be able to do what I've always wanted to do I don't understand why I'm 

not allowed to do it like really and truthfully I Think back to like, you know The very moments when I started writing things down when I started liking a wrapping or whatever it is or I had this new founding kind of like love for the sport and for the art form and Then I kind of like, you know You know I kind of like take that and drag that across all the experiences that I've had Relevant to that feeling and relevant to that experience, right? I drag it all the way up until now and think about you know The snowballing effect like how the reason or my you know the reason for my wanting to 

pursue that it is desire has gone bigger and Bigger and bigger over the years to the point in which it's very difficult to ignore you know, the reason why this pains me so much is because I want to be able to use this You know did this art form and I want to be able to use this thing that I'm 

passionate about for good You know talks of like, you know retiring my own parents talks of like, you know Securing a house for my you know Autistic brother talks of being able to kind of like use this as my own living and not having to rely on my parents for Support talks of like, you know You know 

kind of like putting messages out there that help people go through certain things At the moment that just feels like something that's being denied of me because of the situation that I'm in and it's very very difficult To grapple with those emotions and those emotions. I feel like like often at 

times whether it's because of psychological conditioning Conditioning I feel like I'm not allowed to feel them You know I feel like feeling them is it's like a trap like, you know Like I shouldn't be feeling that if I feel that it's a bad thing Or if I feel that like I'm not worthy to be like I shouldn't be around anybody like, you know That sort of thing and so for that reason it is painful. But um, nevertheless here I am Feeling it