The Blunt Bottom Line.

I don't know how to start todays post so I just will. Today has been testimony to a reality I have been suffering long enough to forget when the suffering began in the first place. That's always the issue with me, pinpointing the exact time or the exact reason why I find myself in a current condition, engaging with it in a particular or specific kind of way. I have a massive fear of being misunderstood, so I explain things excessively, and think bucket loads about the accuracy of what I'm communicating. The blunt bottom line of it is this. I'm suicidal.

The thing is I'm not 100% sure how that works in relation to mental health. I don't know if I'm depressed, and I don't know if I have a disorder related to anxiety. I don't even know if being suicidal is perhaps a symptom of being overly depressed or overly anxious. Either way, my suspicion is that whatever the reason, its more likely more complex than my current mental state or physical being.

I've been like this for a while, on and off and at different intensity levels over the years ever since 2017 (I tried to take my life that year). The struggle I seem to find lies within the reason why I continue to suffer the way I do, doing the things that require so much emotional, mental and physical effort, when the end of suffering is but a short moment away.

Somewhere along the way I've lost my ability to relate. I've undergone experiences that have made life seem incredibly pointless at times, which is why I have these frequent bouts of what one could refer to as existential crisis. Today was so bad that I just had to lie there in my own room bearing this physical pain that hovered over my chest, consistent enough to make me consider the easiest and quickest way to put an end to it all.

I do a massive load of ignoring and pretending because often I think it's just in my head, common even to think it through because you know...apparently lots of people think about ending their life. At the same time though today I really had to convince myself not to do anything stupid, and being still was the best way to accomplish that.

I do a massive load of ignoring and pretending also because sometimes I wonder if I'm just seeking attention. I feel so invisible to the world beyond my physical self, that sometimes I wonder if anyone can actually see me at all. The short and sweet of it is that it's incredibly exhausting to live my life like this, and right now all I'm really trying to do is get by long enough to chance my way out of this state of being.

When I started this blog I did wonder if I'll somehow be pushed into opening up about some dark aspects of my life and I guess now I know my answer. I'm tired of pretending to be okay most of the time, because most of the time I'm not okay. Most of the time I don't want to do the things that most people would like to do. I just force myself to enjoy the moments people in their uncompromised existence indulge in effortlessly.

The truth is that I am angry, sad, frustrated, down and furious about things that I'm not sure I've been allowed to feel and so I just keep it all in. Harbour pain I've carried for years that have stretched crazy deep into the depths of my childhood. I'm scared to put this out there (Even though I have little to no visitors on this site at the moment) because you never know what you're life is gonna be like opening up about your secrets. At the same time though it's gotten to the point where I can no longer pretend. I spend a lot of my time wanting to die, and have to fight against it with a will to live that flickers like a faulty light bulb in a cold and dark alley way.

Until next time,

Made Eze.