Opaquely Candid

I’m trying to reflect over some of the things that I’ve been told over the course of the last seven days, and I guess one of the things that springs to mind is this one specific conversation where I realised that I wasn’t all that I lived myself up to be. 

One of the questions that sprung up, but at the same time also crept up in my own mind as I was engaging in this heart-to-heart was what accepting myself would look like when it comes to looking into my own reflection in the mirror, whilst at the same time considering what it would mean and how it would affect the people around me. 

If I haven’t made it obvious over the last couple of days, I have really been struggling to find a balance between giving myself what I need, but at the same time contributing to what everybody else needs around me. When I’m talking about needs, I guess I’m talking about identity needs in a way that I guess is not spoken about frequently enough for me to be 100% certain of what I’m talking about here.

I need a specific version of me, but sometimes that doesn’t always correlate with the version of me that people around me know me, love me, and need me for. 

A friend of mine once told me that if this is the way that I am living my life, there is something wrong either with the people that I am keeping around, or the people that are staying around me. 

If I’m being honest I’m not entirely certain that this is a phenomenon that would be entirely avoidable, even in the circumstances where you are surrounded by the best people that this earth could offer. I personally feel that in a way we all hide and shape shift our identities to cope with the demand of the environment that is around us.

The scary thing about accepting myself is the notion that in doing so, I will also let go of the demands that people around me subconsciously have when it comes to my very character and being. One of the scary things about accepting myself is that deep down, one of my greatest concerns is accomplishing all of the things that I have set myself out to be alongside all of the things that I have yearned and desired ever since I knew I existed.

Accomplishing this rendition of my reality will mean a great deal of positive things will come my way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that a great deal of positive things will come to the people around me. The truth behind this acceptance is acknowledging the fact that I have always been hyper aware of my own death. 

There will come a point in which I will no longer be here, and it will only take a quarter of a century for me to become but a picture on somebody’s frame, and there is no easy way of saying that not many people care or remember me in that reality.

With all of that being said, then, why should I really care about how people feel? In the moment where I am taking my last breath, the only person that we care about any of this will be me. I can’t really say many people will care after that.