Crashing Out

Sunday, the 16th of February, 2025. And I don't really know how I'm going to be able to talk about this because I'm trying to describe something that doesn't really have a phrase or doesn't really have a terminology. But the closest thing that I guess I can relate it to is the

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modern term, crashing out, which is basically kind of like try and use my own life experience as a way of articulating this. But at a certain point, right, kind of like in my early, I would say in the middle of my childhood, growing up, I kind of like entered this, it's not a phase, but it's a trajectory. It's a trajectory that I started to kind of like develop. And it was, you know, for lack of a better way of putting it, it was almost like a path of self-destruction

or it was almost like a path of like losing myself so like a lot of the things that i guess maybe i wasn't really able to kind of like crack open about myself, who i was and why i was here and why i'm doing what i'm doing kind of like led to um...

led to this kind of like started following this like reckless path and I was effectively trying to do whatever it is that I can to fulfill this void that I felt physically in myself I mean I wouldn't say that it was as far as like you know I felt that there was a physical hole in my stomach but I would say that you know that you know that you know being unfulfilled not being satisfied with life kind of like

having things missing or feeling that something is missing, created, I guess it kind of manifested itself physically and it kind of like felt gloomy, felt a bit dull and so I would do things to effectively try to fill that void, that void of meaninglessness or maybe purposelessness or maybe having a low purpose so to speak. And I would kind using many, using a variety of means to kind of like try to satisfy this almost like insatiable or this unquenchable thirst

for, I don't know, kind of like having some sort of meaning or having some sort of purpose. And so, you know, I find myself often competing for the best car, competing for, you know, the best house party, competing to be the most popular person, competing to have like the most beautiful girlfriend, all of these things I started to kind of like you know fill my time with, to just kind of like fill this void and I kind of like carried on going in this trajectory right, you know and again the reason why

I don't like to call this crashing out is because it's not effectively like the process so it's not you know some people kind of like are in this trajectory but they're not effectively harming themselves in any way. They're just kind of like pursuing something, right, for the wrong reasons, so to speak. Like they're really just pursuing something, like something really really tedious, something very very strenuous. Could be a career, it could be anything, like you know, but pursuing it for the wrong reasons,

to kind of like use that, you know, maybe to use that, you know, that that that that venture as a way of kind of like filling this void or whatever it is and at some point I did crash out right see why it's a bit difficult for me to talk about this at some point I did crash out and I had a little bit of time to think and I was able to realign myself to a path that was kind of like true to my purpose and true to my being and stuff like that and

you know I just wanted to kind of like say all of this to really talk about how some people just don't really get that grace. And so they continue to, you know, some people just get on this train, right? And they continue to pursue things, right?

And they continue to pursue things

and they never actually get off that train. They continue to go, they continue to go. It's almost like somebody basically kind of like thinking that at the bottom of this well or at the bottom of this kind of like site, you know, they dig deep enough, deep enough, deep enough,

they will eventually find this massive kind of like a pot of gold, so to speak. And it's like everybody else is just trying to say to them like, you know, that there, you know, that there will be no happiness at the bottom of that pit or there will be no happiness at the bottom of that well. But they've convinced themselves that, you know, that they have to keep on going and they have to keep going deeper and deeper until they're able to find that which is that they're looking for. And I'm saying some people

just don't stop digging. Some people even dig past the point where they were expected to find that pot of gold and never find it and just carry on digging and it's that pot of gold and never find it and just carry on digging and it's just kind of like I guess it's sad in some in some sense.